Caregivers and Christmas

The holidays are a time of reflecting on the previous year, the memories and meaning of Christmas, and looking forward to a new year and what it may hold…all of the hopes and dreams and opportunities.

But not everyone sees this time of the year as very merry. For a full-time caregiver, it may feel overwhelming, lonely, and like one more thing to have to navigate through.

Let’s face it, the holidays are overwhelming for most of us with the extra chores, decorating, shopping, church events, family gatherings, white elephant gift exchange parties, crazy traffic, and so much more.

But what if you are a caregiver for a child with special needs who craves routine? The holidays are anything but routine! Mix in some not-so-merry meltdowns!

If you are a caregiver for someone with profound physical limitations that requires lots of help to be mobile, then attending all of those extra friend and family functions is not so fa-la-la-la-la.

It’s also a rough time of the year for people with sensory issues. There are lights, crowds, and lines for miles. Sometimes, the potential for sensory overload that results in meltdowns makes it not worth it to attend those once-a-year festivities.

It’s also worth mentioning the scenario that no one likes to talk about - sometimes simply not being invited to a special function because the loved one you care for is too difficult and maybe not welcome at said festivities. No one likes to admit it, but it happens - and caregivers are all too aware. Most of us even understand. Sometimes we choose to decline invitations just to avoid the impending outbursts and scenes and embarrassment that results.

Maybe you have a “runner”, and the thought of chasing them through a live Nativity event while dodging camel poop and being a lady leaping over Mary and her newborn Savior exhausts you.

Maybe you care for an elderly parent with dementia who is prone to wander and who you know will spend at least 45 minutes asking cousin Sue what grade she is in and if she likes fruitcake.

And while everyone else is dreamily and hopefully pondering what the new year has in store for them, caregivers have very real fears about what the future holds for their loved ones.

Whatever your circumstances, if you are a caregiver of someone with disabilities, you may not be as excited about the 12 days of Christmas as the rest of the world. It doesn’t mean you have no joy, see the glass as half empty all the time, or are related to the Grinch. It just means you are in a different season of life than others around you and that your reality is not all visions of sugar plums. You probably just prefer to stay home in hopes of an early bed time and no creatures stirring. And that’s ok.

Here’s the deal. If you are a caregiver and can relate to any of the above, recognize the hard in the holidays, find ways you can celebrate that don’t require more from you than you already give on a daily basis, and remember that you can celebrate the reason for the season without over-obligating yourself to events and functions you know will exhaust and empty you and make caring for your loved one more difficult as a result. Don’t isolate yourself, but also don’t let yourself be shamed into gatherings and activities that will take more from you than they give.

If you are the friend or relative of a caregiver, it’s ok to be disappointed that they said no to participating in something with you, but don’t make them feel guilty for doing so. Tell them you will miss them and you love them and then ask for a specific date and time you can go to their home to visit with them instead. Be intentional.

If you are a really good friend, offer to watch their loved one so they can go to a holiday gathering and enjoy themselves, some quality friend/family time, and get a break to enjoy themselves for a bit.

Maybe offer to run errands for them, help do some of their Christmas shopping, or take them a goodie plate from the party they could not attend so they don’t have to cook one evening.

Get creative and be supportive and encouraging.

One final note, if you are that friend who would rather not invite the caregiver you know to a gathering because you are worried about their loved one's behavior, remember that it's more important to be kind than to keep up good appearances and, "but by the grace of God," you could find yourself in their shoes caring for a loved one someday. How would you hope to be treated and accepted? 

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.